Meh...

Song: "What Sarah Said," by Death Cab for Cutie.

Mood:


Kind of Tea: None :(

Quote of the Day:  “Then help me carry this beastly thing upstairs,” he said, kicking the side of the trunk lightly with his heel. “No way am I letting my new friend sleep outside alone.” ~ James from School of Secrets ;)

So today was nothing spectacular. I got some reading, writing, and a bit of painting done along with some cleaning. But meh, still, nothing awesome happened.

This morning was the worse though. The second I woke up I felt dizzy and out of place, like I wasn't me. It was odd. I think it's a hormonal thing, but I'm not sure. It could also be anemia since I also felt really fatigued and dizzy. Bleh, not fun. I think it has been the cause for these really odd philosophical thoughts. And when I say odd I mean strange and disturbing. Like what it would really feel like falling to my death from any sort of height. Typically, I'm really not that afraid of heights. So what the heck is up with all these paranoid thoughts?

Could it be stress? Sure, it's a small factor, but usually I can handle stress. I typically am able to self coach myself out of any sort of super negative mind set. But lately it's as if everything is such a bigger deal than it really is.

Oh well, I'm going to try and go to the chiropractor and see what's up. Maybe he can help. :)

Glue stuck to my shoe.

Song: Putting the Damage On by Tori Amos.

 Mood:


Kind of Tea: Mango white tea :)

Quote of the Day:
"but now i'm wishing
for my best impression
of my best angie dickinson
but now i've got to worry
cause boy you still look pretty
when you're putting the damage on." Tori Amos




 So today my husband and I had a big blow out. HUGE fight actually. It all started last night when I had bad acid reflux. It sucked. My head hurt and my esophagus felt like I had swallowed a flaming sword. My husband asked (or rather told me, it's hard to decipher which is which with him lol) to make dinner. The way I remember it was that he told me to get cheese from the store and then cook grilled cheese. I'm thinking grilled cheese is the last thing I wanted to eat (to be honest I was fine with milk) but if I was to eat it certainty wouldn't be that.

I tell him no and that I was in pain. He says that he asked me to make something (anything) then. However, I didn't remember this at all. In fact I remember thinking that if he went to the store to get cheese that I could at least make the damn things. But oh well I didn't say it. I kept silent, watching the t.v, and couldn't think about anything except the pain I felt in my chest (the headache sided after the first cup of milk).

Anyways, long story short, he thought I was ignoring him and being a dick. So he slept downstairs and I slept upstairs. I didn't want to apologize. I felt bad and therefore didn't make dinner. Was I ignoring my "wifely duties" I dont think so, but to him I did.

He and I didn't talk much for a day and a half. He slept downstairs that night too.

So then he wanted me to apologize and I said that I didn't need to. So then he got angry (I quickly learned early in the relationship that his anger is derived from him being quite over sensitive) and took things to a whole nother level. Basically, he said I either had to apologize or get kicked out.

My best friend had come and helped me put the pets, my books (a 1/4th of them really), clothes, and shoes in her car. I was about to go and never come back.


But then he said something profound. What was it? I can't share it to the world. Only three people will ever know what he said and I'm one of them. The other two are my husband and best friend. No others need to know. Everyone else will have to take my word that it was, and I will say it again, profound.

Enough that both of us apologized to one another and both of us want to work on our major characteristic flaws. His off-the-wall-in-your-face-scary anger and my absolutely-don't-want-to-get-up laziness. Now I still don't think the other night was me being lazy, I felt like shit, but of course this fight wasn't truly about not making dinner. There were other instances involved.

So now, the next day,(I wrote this post on two different days, sorry :o ) I am in my living room. Sammy and Alex are here chilling with us. We're watching a replay of Dream (MMA) and as these two men twist and maul each other the rest of the house is at peace. It's nice, it's normal. And I hope it stays that way for awhile.

Cleaning and Stress

Song: Hourglass (What the Fuck is a clock?) By Cloak and Dagger Dating Service

Mood:

Kind of Tea: Chai with Creme Brulee creamer.

Quote of the Day: "Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies. Oh, he don't know so he chases them away, yeah
Oh, someday, yeah, he'll begin his life again." Even Flow by Pearl Jam


So for the past couple of weeks I've been really tired and really stressed. I realize now that sleep is so crucial to my sanity. For the last week I've been feeling like I've lost my mind. I couldn't remember what I just did/said and I became super paranoid about everything. I had nightmares about the Apocalypse as well as very depressing thoughts, so I didn't sleep and because of that my mind must have just checked out.

However, I read Proverbs 31:10-31 and it made me re think of how I've been lately. VERY lazy and not helping out my husband as much as I should. So, in the midst of all this craziness, I began to clean. And clean...and clean. I cleaned so much you could eat off of my kitchen floor. That helped with the stress. I'm still only half way done with all the cleaning/organizing (life gets in the way) but eventually I want it to look like it used to.

Overall this week has been stressful but I managed to pull through thanks to my loving hubby and (ironically) Gain laundry detergent.