Meh...

Song: "What Sarah Said," by Death Cab for Cutie.

Mood:


Kind of Tea: None :(

Quote of the Day:  “Then help me carry this beastly thing upstairs,” he said, kicking the side of the trunk lightly with his heel. “No way am I letting my new friend sleep outside alone.” ~ James from School of Secrets ;)

So today was nothing spectacular. I got some reading, writing, and a bit of painting done along with some cleaning. But meh, still, nothing awesome happened.

This morning was the worse though. The second I woke up I felt dizzy and out of place, like I wasn't me. It was odd. I think it's a hormonal thing, but I'm not sure. It could also be anemia since I also felt really fatigued and dizzy. Bleh, not fun. I think it has been the cause for these really odd philosophical thoughts. And when I say odd I mean strange and disturbing. Like what it would really feel like falling to my death from any sort of height. Typically, I'm really not that afraid of heights. So what the heck is up with all these paranoid thoughts?

Could it be stress? Sure, it's a small factor, but usually I can handle stress. I typically am able to self coach myself out of any sort of super negative mind set. But lately it's as if everything is such a bigger deal than it really is.

Oh well, I'm going to try and go to the chiropractor and see what's up. Maybe he can help. :)

Glue stuck to my shoe.

Song: Putting the Damage On by Tori Amos.

 Mood:


Kind of Tea: Mango white tea :)

Quote of the Day:
"but now i'm wishing
for my best impression
of my best angie dickinson
but now i've got to worry
cause boy you still look pretty
when you're putting the damage on." Tori Amos




 So today my husband and I had a big blow out. HUGE fight actually. It all started last night when I had bad acid reflux. It sucked. My head hurt and my esophagus felt like I had swallowed a flaming sword. My husband asked (or rather told me, it's hard to decipher which is which with him lol) to make dinner. The way I remember it was that he told me to get cheese from the store and then cook grilled cheese. I'm thinking grilled cheese is the last thing I wanted to eat (to be honest I was fine with milk) but if I was to eat it certainty wouldn't be that.

I tell him no and that I was in pain. He says that he asked me to make something (anything) then. However, I didn't remember this at all. In fact I remember thinking that if he went to the store to get cheese that I could at least make the damn things. But oh well I didn't say it. I kept silent, watching the t.v, and couldn't think about anything except the pain I felt in my chest (the headache sided after the first cup of milk).

Anyways, long story short, he thought I was ignoring him and being a dick. So he slept downstairs and I slept upstairs. I didn't want to apologize. I felt bad and therefore didn't make dinner. Was I ignoring my "wifely duties" I dont think so, but to him I did.

He and I didn't talk much for a day and a half. He slept downstairs that night too.

So then he wanted me to apologize and I said that I didn't need to. So then he got angry (I quickly learned early in the relationship that his anger is derived from him being quite over sensitive) and took things to a whole nother level. Basically, he said I either had to apologize or get kicked out.

My best friend had come and helped me put the pets, my books (a 1/4th of them really), clothes, and shoes in her car. I was about to go and never come back.


But then he said something profound. What was it? I can't share it to the world. Only three people will ever know what he said and I'm one of them. The other two are my husband and best friend. No others need to know. Everyone else will have to take my word that it was, and I will say it again, profound.

Enough that both of us apologized to one another and both of us want to work on our major characteristic flaws. His off-the-wall-in-your-face-scary anger and my absolutely-don't-want-to-get-up laziness. Now I still don't think the other night was me being lazy, I felt like shit, but of course this fight wasn't truly about not making dinner. There were other instances involved.

So now, the next day,(I wrote this post on two different days, sorry :o ) I am in my living room. Sammy and Alex are here chilling with us. We're watching a replay of Dream (MMA) and as these two men twist and maul each other the rest of the house is at peace. It's nice, it's normal. And I hope it stays that way for awhile.

Cleaning and Stress

Song: Hourglass (What the Fuck is a clock?) By Cloak and Dagger Dating Service

Mood:

Kind of Tea: Chai with Creme Brulee creamer.

Quote of the Day: "Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies. Oh, he don't know so he chases them away, yeah
Oh, someday, yeah, he'll begin his life again." Even Flow by Pearl Jam


So for the past couple of weeks I've been really tired and really stressed. I realize now that sleep is so crucial to my sanity. For the last week I've been feeling like I've lost my mind. I couldn't remember what I just did/said and I became super paranoid about everything. I had nightmares about the Apocalypse as well as very depressing thoughts, so I didn't sleep and because of that my mind must have just checked out.

However, I read Proverbs 31:10-31 and it made me re think of how I've been lately. VERY lazy and not helping out my husband as much as I should. So, in the midst of all this craziness, I began to clean. And clean...and clean. I cleaned so much you could eat off of my kitchen floor. That helped with the stress. I'm still only half way done with all the cleaning/organizing (life gets in the way) but eventually I want it to look like it used to.

Overall this week has been stressful but I managed to pull through thanks to my loving hubby and (ironically) Gain laundry detergent.  

Job Searching....

Song: Touched by Vast

Mood:  

Kind of Tea: Cinnamon Apple

Quote of the day: " Give me life, Give me pain, Give me myself again," Tori Amos Little Earthquakes.


So today I went job searching with Casti and there was some promising opportunities. It was pretty fun. It ws really what I needed after that morning. I love my husband but he can expect too much from me. It's like he wants me to think like him and that will never happen. Ah well.

Afterwords Casti and I talked for like two hours about our stories. It makes me excited. I want to write more! Ha ha. But now there's nothing else to do but read Yukikata and sleep.

Best Friends

Me and Casti Halloween

Song: The First Days of Spring by Noah and the Whale.

 Mood:



Kind of Tea: Cinnamon Chai

Quote of the Day: "Don't tickle! Paint!" Casti quoting some movie I dont know.



Ok, so obviously I had a silly day. I woke up to my husband saying "Dear your friend is here." What? You mean my alarm clock that I specifically set the night before DIDNT GO OFF???? Needless to say, I was pissed. But Casti and I had a cool day shopping at her dance studio's garage sale. I bought a lot of clothes :D After that we went back to her house and we ate some delish mac and cheese while watching the first Harry Potter. lol

Loki finally stopped barking at me when I come over. lol

Anyways, I took a shower for the first time in days (sadly) and it felt soooo good. Wow. So much raspberry scents lol. At the end of the shower I felt a hunger pain for some fruit.

We finished Harry Potter after I was done and then I hung out with her and her family in their kitchen for the rest of the time. It was pretty funny. They all have the same mannerisms! My family has it's inside jokes and all but not like them. Lol they have a fridge full of them that very few I imagine could understand.

When I got home Casti stay for a little while longer and we dorked out on Gimp :P lol After she left...

The Gang and I went to Wal-Mart. My husband, who never liked cats, fell in love with my sweet Leilu (a Japanese Bobtail Himalayan) a while ago and thus, tonight, bought her a ceiling sized cat tower. Leilu has bewitched the most unlikely person. Ha ha she's climbing on it now. So cute!

Well, I plan on continuing Seeking White Starling. I'm in the middle of the first scene so it should be easier to continue.

Nerds and J-Pop (The Official First Post)

Song: Bacchikoi ~ Dev Parade

Mood:

Kind of Tea: Earl Grey (hot) (^.^)v

Quote of the day: "So you found a girl with really deep thoughts...What's so amazing about deep thoughts. Boy you best pray I bleed real soon, how's that thought for ya?" Tori Amos ~ Silent all these Years.

Ok so after my best friend Casti leaves my house, I find my head phones and plug into the computer. For the past some odd hours I have been looking up songs from the openings and closings of anime shows. In other words, listening and adding a whole bunch of Japanese Pop/Rock on my playlist. All the while my husband and his friend Brad teach the newbies (Sammy and Alex) to Legend of the Five Rings (a card game...and no it aint poker).

So far that's been my night, but I did manage to make a graphic, which I will share, so whoever is out there enjoy it! ;)

Earlier today I made it possible for us to finally have heat! Thank you God! It should be here on the 20th. I'm excited. It also means hot water too! Oh boy! :D


I have to say, I'm pretty lucky to have a best friend like Casti. I was thinking today of how my old best friend, Abbey, was just a terrible person to me. She would try to manipulate me to treat her like she was freakin royalty. Good grief, she was so selfish...but it was a vain kind of selfishness that grew with age it seemed. And the weirdest part was that she would change with every guy she dated. For nearly a year she ignored me because she was all "morman" which she renounced after the relationship.

I'm glad to know that Casti isn't like that. Yes, she's human and we can annoy each other, but at the end of the day we can laugh about it instead of fight about how we annoy each other. That's the biggest difference between them.

But don't get me wrong here. I still love Abbey, I wish her well, but I can't have her in my life. At least not until some major changes take place. Funny, when I first knew that Christiana (still my bff from high school) and Abbey were friends I would have thought that Christiana and I would have drifted before Abbey and I did. We almost did, but I went and lived with her over the summer before I got married. We really got to know one another again, it was good, I miss it in some ways. Having a twin sister it seemed.

Our first fight happened though, but that's expected when you live together. Now what I consider a real fight is when you start to yell, cuss, being distant, and start the blame game. Me and Christiana had one of these the week I got married. But it ended well as it always does with her and I.

Casti and I have yet to have a true fight. We often pick at each other or have our passive aggressive moments which is all in good jest, but we have yet to have a fight. Funny, Me and Abbey would fight all the time but Casti and Chritiana prove that it doesn't have to be that way. Which gives me hope for the female race. ♀


Oh yes and here is the graphic I made tonight:

The story behind the web address...

So Tori Amos has a song called Hotel and in that song she says "lollipop gestapo." Why? idk..luckily I mispelled gestapo and thus have this blog lol.

Unlike my other two blogs this will have nothing to do with writing updates, this is for my personal thoughts, a journal if you will. So enjoy, I have too many thoughts :p